Day 260: Thinking Life

Two months! That’s long. I decided to start writing again after this long, perhaps one of the triggers is the Orlando massacre. It’s a heartbreaking news, that the world LGBT community has to face. And also a big eye opener about life itself. I know it’s not a lot, but I would like to dedicate this post to Orlando, to the victims and their family. I salute them for the courage to live life and inspired people like me to live mine. Rest in peace.

I realized ranting about my life in these two months is so absurd comparing to the loss and sorrow in Orlando. This made me appreciate life more, inspired me to look at life differently. Sure, I faced problems in life, who doesn’t? But it’s time to live again. 

I met a wonderful person recently, a lady who taught me about patience and living life fully each day. And with each day passing, I learn to know her slowly, likewise and allowing the natural feelings fall into place gently. She doesn’t play games with my heart, made it clear from the day we are interested in each other. The times we spent together, in the knowing process made me treasure this person more. Time became a beautiful thing that runs through our lives. I knew, the patience will make it all the more rewarding in the future. She introduced a pace which is good for me as well, as I stabilized my career. Such pace also allowed me to see further than just long term – I see the real life partner in her.

As much as I struggled in my work, I find myself more mature and wanting to be better rather than excessively rich, to be secure than be famous, to love and be loved rather than “just another romance”. Life has its silver lining, I can start see it at last. 

Day 196: Toilet Entry

  
I couldn’t sleep, so I thought of writing something while drinking warm honey camomile tea. 

Okay, I wanted to share a small incident awhile back. I was with my lady friends, 3 of them (one of them is the girl, yes, THE girl) at a local club, well, like a Chinese lounge club, with live bands, ‘no happy hour’ drinks and lots of Chinese, literally. So I had a pint of something, I think it was a stout. Immediately, nature calls. It’s the hormone, it does make the bladder sensitive. I got to go, seriously. Before going on to the toilet entry part, let me tell you, my outlook is like a muscular boy, because by binding my chestal area, it does looked like I have fat pecs. I have a bit of facial hairs, and extremely short hair, so you can’t really tell if I’m a female with just a glance. In fact, it’s hard to tell until I mentioned it. Okay, good thing in a way.

Now, the toilet part. Automatically, I walked into the girls’ toilet. The only thing in my head was, I need to go. But oh my god, the two ladies in the toilet screamed at me, i realized I don’t look like a female anymore, so I apologized and rushed out to the gents. To be honest, I’m still not used to men’s toilet. After all, I haven’t undergo any gender reassignment surgeries yet. The binding somehow made me feel a little vulnerable and lots of awkwardness. There was a man using the urinal, and he barely glance at me. So far so good, I rushed into the cubicle and do whatever I need to, awkwardness aside. When I was done, another man was washing his hands, he randomly said, “Men used toilet fast, women used toilet so long, have you wondered what they do inside?” I knew the answer, but I just replied, “Beats me.” He shrugged and went off. 

Sometimes, I really wished there are more unisex toilets. Oh well, till I’ve gone through with my first surgery, I think it’ll be easier, and less awkward. I guessed it’s all in the mind. That confidence in strutting into the gents without stopping and checking the toilet signs. 

Day 194: Perseverance

I’ve been wandering off late, a little off track. Trying to settle my work. But mostly it’s my heart, my mind. It’s not a struggle to be a man, it’s not about that, I’m already a man in within. It’s really a struggle about life overall, and fighting off the perceptions of the society I’m in. Suddenly the outlook became the focus of many. I can say I don’t give a damn, but ignorance is not entirely effective. Because how much can anyone use the ‘I don’t care’ way? 

And with the recent struggle with unreciprocated love and strange relationship, I find myself fighting more things than I should. I always tell myself, I may be alone (with my cat) but I will never be lonely. Hah! Try to fight loneliness in a fragile state. My heart is weary. I can love but that’s it, I cannot pretend that she will love me too. I decided I should do what’s needed first, that is to find a good job and earn what my talent is worth, then reach my much needed goal. I need to shine to light my world, in order to spread the brightness to others. Like that right? 

Today, well, just now, I just came back from a part time at my friend’s restaurant. My god, my feet are killing me, it’s so busy at the restaurant because it’s a Saturday night. But it keeps me occupied and yea, earn a little. It’s only evening and night anyway. Tomorrow is another night. But I don’t mind, it keeps me moving, makes myself feel useful in a way. That keeps the loneliness, sadness and negative things away. It’s quite blissful to have achieve little things like this. And in a positive note, I get to workout in an unorthodox way. *chuckles*

I should bid everyone good night now. Tomorrow is a better day.

Day 178: Strong & Stronger

I just realized I haven’t been really writing for a month exactly. This past month has been quite a climb for me. While I’m settling my families’ health and wellbeing, I’ve worn out my mental and physical state, forgotten about my own health, my stability in life seemed to waver. I fell into a deep well after getting everyone I love out. Of so many people who tried to motivate me, someone unexpected told me yesterday, “We always be strong and stronger”. Out of words like, “you can do it!”, “Don’t give up!”, her words ring in my head still. I wondered is it because I used to be head over heels over her (still do actually) or because she just knew me too well. ‘Knew’ as in she understands what really triggers me, how to push me forward, make me strive to get back on track, how my complex mind really works, pacify my overutilized energy in the wrong things and somehow, I don’t know how, channel my energy in the right things. ‘Right’ as in the things I should do.

We are in a strange relationship, she and I. We have a close friendship, yet we’re not even in each others’ Facebook friends, we have our own friends, yet we do somewhat mind if she’s going out with her guy friends and me going out with my girl friends. Sometimes she don’t seem to care but when there’s a chance, she randomly say out her concerns and intentions. Sometimes I tried to refrain from constantly messaging her, even when I do, her answer is short. But then we share everything we feel each other would be interested in. Then out of the blue, she told me about her plan and future projects, wanting me to be a part of it. Yea, it’s odd really. But we rather keep it that way for now. She knew I love her, I told her before, but I also know it is not something I want to rush her into if she don’t, you know what I mean? 

She asked me to take up a good permanent job, so the future will be slightly better. I took that challenge up, and push forward. I seek for new opportunities, not easy for a 35 year old like me. My long experience, seasoned professionalism made my value higher. But I pushed over that limit, I’ll give it my best. While finding my confidence, her words boost me up in ways I cannot explained. Not just my career, as I am working hard in maintaining my calmness and strength in my journey of transformation, I do have times I feel like an underachiever, psychologically, I’m struggling, but when she reminded me to find a good doctor to help me in the reconstruction surgery, she reminded me that she is there for me, not in an obvious ways but subtly, at the same time showing that yes, she is in this with me, she didn’t forget my journey. I thought she never care, I was wrong. She just showed it differentl. I understand it now, she is quiet and preferred a low profile care. 

So how do I feel? Glad of course. I don’t know what’s going to happen to us on the future, but now it’s what matters as we work towards the future, we’ll always be strong and stronger, for ourselves and for one another. 

Selfie 5th Month: February 2016

  
Hey hey hey, it’s selfie time again! Okay I missed out January because so many things happened at home, at work and for Chinese New Year. I have a few minor updates, like my mini under chin beard, which you can see in this photo, I feel that my jaw line is slightly sharper, not that it’s because of the testosterone, I think because I’ve lost some weight. Oh yes, my skin rougher, you can see the texture. Because of my voice, a lot of people I knew thought they called the wrong person. Bank or any other operators who called me required me to identify myself so many times – which is funny. I remembered getting scolded by the lady cleaner when I was about to enter the ladies toilet at the airport. But it’s okay if I go in the men’s toilet, because I’ll be using the cubicle anyway. I’m more Aiden nowadays so I’m kind of excited to plan for the next step. I think the top surgery is one of the biggest change ever. *smile*

Day 147: The Right Diagnosis

It’s been awhile. Whew! I can finally rest easy. Yesterday, my sister came over to see the neurosurgeon who treated me before. After having sudden, constant severe headaches, with no diagnosis after 4 specialists and 3 MRIs, my sister finally gotten her answer from one meeting with my neurosurgeon. She have this rare condition called Chiari I malfunction:

 
 Even better, my neurosurgeon referred her to his old friend who is also a neurosurgeon in Singapore who will treat her. To our relief, my sister finally gotten her urgently needed diagnosis. Her husband almost cried knowing his beloved wife could finally get the right treatment and overcome her sufferings. 

This is the mantra for this case: Never underestimate sudden, constant severe headaches; not all numbness symptoms are related to stroke; lumbar puncture doesn’t necessarily yield results for all kinds of neuro diseases; don’t find a good hospital, find a good doctor; fight for your rights to know the correct diagnose. 

  
My dearest sister and I. She lose some weight and pale now, but she’ll be better soon. (Oh please ignore my dumb hairstyle).

Day 127: My Long Lost Sister

For this post, I want to talk about my sister, my long lost sister. Long lost because we haven’t been close for almost ten years, I knew where she is, who she got married to and so on but we weren’t in touch. When I was in college, she had a quarrel with my parents and never kept in touch with any of us. She went and work at Singapore, married and stayed there until now. Until the time I had a surgery for my tumor, she heard of the news and came to Kuala Lumpur with her husband to see me. We hugged for the first time in 6 years. That’s 2012.  1996 photo, my mom, my sister and I.

Then life became too busy for us to really keep in touch. In the end of 2014, situation brought us back into contact again, this time, my father had stroke. Up to recently, we have been talking often on the phone and through messages. I found out that my sister isn’t well. She had series of strange and sudden headaches, numbness that’s been haunting her for almost 2 years, and her doctors hasn’t given her any answers even after 3 MRIs. That made me really angry. She spent so much time and money yet still suffering with bad and horrible headaches. I feel bad for not being there for her. Even though we weren’t as close as most siblings are, both of us were adopted and she’s 10 years older than me but, she’s still my sister, and I love her. I realized that now. It’s not about the distance or circumstances but we do have the good moments and memories. It takes a person to initiate actions and interactions. I didn’t make enough of those with my sister. After a decade, I miss her and I don’t want to waste any more time. 

After listening to her ordeals with incompetence doctors, I suggested her to come to Kuala Lumpur to see my neurosurgeon for second opinion. My doctor is quite well known in South East Asia, in the field of neurology, I really hope he will be able to help her. After all, my surgery and all the follow ups I have with this doctor help a lot. I wouldn’t be here without his expertise.

I’ll be making a booking for my sister so she can arrange to come here. This is for my sister. 

Day 125: First Result Comparison

On the 13th of September 2015, I had my first blood test to check my body and both estrogen as well as testosterone levels.  

 14 September 2015, this is my result. It seems like even before my hormone treatment, my testosterone level has always been higher than what female body should produce. My doctor asked me if I have been taking testosterone before that, I haven’t really. He said my body has always produce more male hormone, perhaps it has to do with psychological influence as well. Then recently, after 3 months of testosterone application, my next result is quite surprising.  

The increase was a little scary. Instead of the range of 6.0 to 30.0 normal male hormone production for men, my body contained 59.3! It’s almost like overdose of hormone. So my doctor said maybe I should reduce my application to once every two days instead of my previous once a day to reduce my testosterone level. This is due to the risk of heart problem. He said apparently my body is already producing testosterone naturally, rare but possible. Okay, I thought, maybe I’ll reduce it to once every three days. So that’s that.

Though so far I haven’t had any complications, I don’t want to take the risk. Now it’s time to plan for a healthier living and find ways to earn extra income for the next level of transition. I’ve started to cook healthier food for myself. Have barley drinks and more water intake. Exercise and walk more. Time to go all out! 

Day 118: Big Brother

 Today I saw this picture – the definition of ‘brother’. I can relate to this definition so well. Partly because recently, I’m a big brother to many younger close friends. One of them has been calling me, ‘ah bang’ since a few years ago, that’s ‘big brother’ in Malay. And I call her ‘ah dik’, ‘little sister or brother’ in Malay too. That’s really sweet, plus, we are very close like real siblings. She is so excited and supportive of my transformation (she’s the one who asked me to do my monthly selfie). 

I’m always very protective of my little brothers and sisters, as in, I always make sure they’re not hurt or being bullied. One of my sisters got cheated by her ex boyfriend and up until now, he is afraid to see me. I remembered that he hid when we bumped at the street. And recently, another young friend of mine got cheated by her own husband, leaving her with two young children. She even cut herself to try keeping him – it’s a heartache to see the fresh scars on her wrist. Not wanting to get violent because that will not solve anything but if I see him, I really want to beat the shit out of him. Then, instead of hurting him physically, I decided to help her recover. That’s when she started referring me as her big brother.

Honestly, I feel good hearing that, however they called me. That is what I determine to be, to be a good big brother as I transform. Not only I want to be a good person – I want to be a good son, good husband, good father (if I have a kid) and a good brother. Kudos!

Day 114: The Duck Stages

This morning, I woke up and was washing up in front of the mirror and when I looked up at myself, I recalled the days when I’m at the ‘ugly duckling stage’. Although a little overweight for now, I looked good. Well, much better than I am way before this. Why did I use the term ‘ugly duckling’? Well, if you notice, ugly duckling is really a stage where the real duck really look ugly. Like this:  Growing feathers, mixture of soft and stubby, uneven feathers. Change in the sound it makes. Let’s go back a little, when the duckling is in a cute stage:  Yes, most of the people pass through this stage. When we were young children, cute, curious and ‘fluffy’, or human term, cuddly (?).   Those were the times. But we will go through the times when our body and mind are developing – teenage years, college years, etc. These are the years where emotions are very visible, rebellion, curiosity turn action, try-outs, mean peers, raging hormones and so on. Oh yes, struggle with image and combating lack of confidence. These are the years where some could be too scrawny, too fat, eyes too big (or too small), too many pimples, breasts too small, teeth not straight enough, facial or body hair struggles and so on. People remember those times very well. Everyone has his or her own set of issues. The ugly duckling stage. My ugly duckling stage began when I started high school and went on to college, up to the part when I started working. I had my female puberty when I was 9 years old, menses came and I was the first to wear bra at that time. Bra, not singlet bra like other pre teens. I hated them. I stuttered and had ADHD, I couldn’t speak properly and was always angry. Then I was exposed to sports and martial arts so that kept me occupied. But because I looked so tom boyish, I was bullied and beaten up, peers teased me and my self confidence was all time low. Even up to college, I was geeky, always wearing oversized tee shirt to cover my breasts, looked down on the ground when I walk, had long fringes so I don’t have to give eye contact. I was big size, though slightly overweight, my broad shoulder made me look huge and yea I had this old fashion Bruce Lee hairstyle. I was an ugly duckling. 

Now, whenever I look back to those times, I realized how much I have changed over the years. Expecially 4 years ago, after my tumor. I go all out – punk hair, piercings, tattoos and patterned shirts, khakis plus sneakers or loafers or German boots (I love them). Sometimes tee shirts and short pants with flip flops. That’s just my style. People around me, especially my parents thought that these are me, seeking for attention, but no, I’m just comfortable with this style, and not really bothered by what people said or will say, stares and whispers. But, hey, I look good and having shaved sides of the head is cooling (that’s an advantage staying in a hot, tropical country). It’s my taste and I guessed I’ve grown up. To this:  

 So everyone will pass his or her own ugly ducking stage. Different duck stages. Though timing may differ for each individual, but everyone will reach the stage, some sort like post ugly duckling stage, and how each individual deal with his or her own self, is really up to self. Whether one wants to go with the trend or have their own, entirely up to the person. 
  Each with their own duck tales. *Smile*